The Birds and the Bees
by YamCakes
Summary: Shepard and Liara's daughter, Ossaidra T'Soni, has recently turned 70 years old and is on her way to college. Shepard decides that it's finally time for them to have a discussion concerning her future sexual adventures.


Shepard's daughter, Ossaidra, had recently turned 70 years old a week ago. With Ossaidra going to college in a few months, Shepard decided it was finally time for them to have the father-daughter 'Talk.' Ossaidra was sitting on the couch in the living room, watching a Krogan soap opera on the TV in the afternoon. Shepard sat down next to her, took the remote, and muted the soap.

"Dad? What are you doing?"

"Sweetheart, you and I need to talk."

Ossaidra sighed. "Oh goddess, dad, please tell me we're not having the Lifespan Talk! Mom and I already went over that."

"No, it's not the Lifespan Talk. But it is 'a Talk.'"

"Oh no, this isn't the sex talk, is it?"

"I'm afraid it is. Ossaidra, you're 70 years old, don't you think it's about time you learn this stuff?"

"Dad, I learned everything about sexuality in school."

"Well, they didn't teach you everything, did they? School only teaches the mechanics of sex. Your dad here is an EXPERT on this type of topic."

Ossaidra sighed again. "Alright."

"Okay! You know how male-female reproduction works? Penis-to-vagina penetration…?"

"Yep."

"Male on male—not that you'd ever need that—penis-to-anus penetration…?"

"Yep."

"Female on female—"

"Yep."

"Right, now that we got that out of the way… look. I know you're going to college in a few months, and I know you're going to be having sex."

"Dad!"

"Honey, don't even try to lie to me about that. Anyway, when I was your age—well kind of—I had sex with tons of women. I still do, just it's usually with your mother now. But back then… Asari, humans, quarians, drell, a few turians… I nailed pretty much all of them. But ESPECIALLY Asari. Damn, they really know how to satisfy a customer… Point is, when you have that much sex with that many people, you have to take precautions. You'll never know what kind of diseases you can get. AIDS, Tentacle Rash, Scale Itch, Fireshits, Azure Waffle… you name it. Get tested often, maybe a few times a year, depending on how many aliens you're sleeping with. Also, if a human girl is bleeding out of her vagina, you should probably wait a few days before you two start bumping uglies. If a human guy says he wants to give you The D, he PROBABLY wants you to suck his sick."

"I… um… okay?"

"Not too sure about other species' slang, but I think if a Turian says you remind him or her of his or her rifle, they just might want to sex you up."

"Sex me up?"

"Yes. Another thing… make sure you don't sleep with your ex's relatives."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, don't have sex with their siblings or parents or something. I don't know why, but it's just not something you do. Not that I haven't done it before… Aethyta should know."

"What?"

"We didn't even know each other at the time, okay? I was at the bar and she felt like taking a break when I just happened to show up. She insisted that we do it in the storage room so we did."

"Wait… you had sex with grandpa?"

"Pretty much. When I found out she was Liara's dad… when she found out I was her bondmate… we swore to never speak of 'that' again. This is why you don't bang their relatives. Unless they're twins. In which case you should always bang them."

"Wow dad… just… wow."

"Sorry 'bout that, kiddo. Don't tell you mother I said that, okay? Right… on to marriage. Don't get married while you're still in school, okay? TRY not to do anything stupid in your maiden years, so help me god. If I find you dancing in any of the clubs—not that I would ever go there for any other reason besides business—I will kick your ass."

"I wasn't really planning on doing that anyway, so you won't need to worry about that."

"Good. Ah. Don't date any Yahgs. I'm not personally against them but your mother will probably throw a fit if you take any of them as a partner."

"Why?"

"She and Yahgs… don't mix well. But other than that, cross-species intercourse is definitely the way to go. And about marriage again. Marrying someone is a serious thing; it means staying almost completely faithful to someone you dearly love. It's something you need to be ready for before you do it. So please: try not to fuck up. And if anyone is causing you trouble… you know who to call."

"Thanks dad," Ossaidra chuckled. "What do you mean _almost _completely faithful?"

"Don't tell your mother… but being the legendary Commander Shepard has its perks."

"Dad!"

"HEY, the maid wanted to try to it on the piano, how could I have said no?"

"The maid?!"

"Not our current one, but the one before. I swear it was only once. DON'T TELL YOUR MOTHER."

"Alright, alright. Wow dad, I didn't know you were such a horn dog."

"I wouldn't be exactly proud if you turned out to be quite the womanizer like me," Shepard laughed. "But don't give your flower away to just anyone. Make it special. But you should probably ask your mom about that, she would know."

Ossaidra smiled, "Whatever you say dad."


End file.
